Pristine Angie’s Good Homemaker Adventures at www.d332.com

Hello dears! Approaching my ninth year online, I have decided that it’s time for a change.

Yes, darlings. I’m afraid my riveting days are over. This little shipyard babe has finished putting together battleships for our boys on the homefront, and now, she and Rosie are returning back into the home with June and Harriet to make way for the return of the head of the household. It’s time for this girl to take her place beside kingpin No.1.

While I graciously thank you all for eight solid years of fan mail regarding the intelligent nature of my writings here at d332.com and the original Transvestite Freedom Fighter, it’s time to delve into new territories of the interior.

Nobody can remain a stodgy, cigar-chomping feminist throughout one’s life. Secretly, I’m sure Catherine McKinnon must yearn to live a day as Helen Andelin, and there’s no doubt Kate Hepburn would have been the perfect Stepford Wife. Besides, are any actual women even being represented here?

So welcome to better living through the miracle of appliances as we show you how to prepare Tenderloin Roast a la Friedan and still be in time to freshen up and greet the hubby at the door with a martini!

In the pragmatic mutual back-scratching, forever planning-ahead world of adults, it’s no surprise that so many Asian old-timers convert their afterlife insurance policies from Buddhist Geico to Christian Geico. After all, Buddhist Geico only offers a return trip to this world. That’s no deal. Who wants to spend an entire life amassing toys to die a winner only to come back and have to start from scratch again? No. Christian Geico saves you 10% or more of the headache, sends you on a trip to a new vacation spot, and if you’re lucky, even Yanni music will be playing.

I guess that’s why in the pragmatic mutual back-scratching planning-ahead world of adults, many of my Asian aunts and uncles are now passing the urgent word to me, prodding me to be an obedient follower who will be duly rewarded. I can’t help but wonder how many people would still convert if an addendum (like a credit card interest rate hike notification slip in the mail) to the proselytizing policy states that latecomers will be turned away by St. Peter.

I personally think, like all insurance policies, religious companies should pro-rate their afterlife rewards based on how late the policy holder signed on. I mean, dude, you can’t be lighting jawsticks and donating money to some golden fat boy all your life (in hopes of receiving short-term rewards), then switching over to bearded white boy at the last moment to land a golden parachute. No way.

It should be like:

Convert 5 years before you croak and you go to heaven if you’re good, but you will eat mayonnaise for the rest of your heavenly life.

Convert 3 years before you croak and all the blonde hair blue eye angels will be played by Mexican children on a temporary work permit. (Sorry, there can be no negotiation on this one. And we don’t honor coupons from Buddha Geico).

Convert 1 year before you croak and everything in heaven will have protective clear plastic covers over it.