Pristine Angie’s Good Homemaker Adventures at www.d332.com

Finally, a gallery update. I have been away at Asheville, North Carolina. Yes, I was there during the frightful gas shortage, where people were coming to fisticuffs at gas stations. Luckily I was nowhere near those meanies.

Anyway, here is one of my favorite outfits. Only to be worn in the presence of a man after the knot has been tied. All the great Titus 2 Bible teachings will be practiced (”they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands…to be obedient to their own masters, to be well pleasing in all things, not answering back.”)

Our family is Presbyterian, and I was raised as such, but I’m not a very religious person. Although I am looking for a good copy of the King James Bible and the English Standard Version for my library. The two can bookend and gang up on Christopher Hitchens’s God Is Not Great.

The price of a wandering curiosity is that there’s often too much in-fighting on my bookshelves. That’s why I have removed my favorite books to a separate shelf. You know: Obey Him, The Submissive Wife, Fascinating Womanhood, Good Wives, Urban Japanese Housewives, The Pleasure is All Mine, and Pink Think.

My gentle readers know I do not advocate any of these dangerous activities for any woman other than myself. I think women in our society today should be free to pursue whatever goals they chose. If you want to be vice-president or you want to be a stay at home mom, well that’s just peachy. Friends who have met my father - when he was around - will tell you he was a nice, open-minded, liberal fella as well. I guess that’s why the whole traditional ultraconservative male fascinates me so much. For me, the guys who take charge, order for both of us at restaurants, have the opinions, make the decisions, and is the No.1 Kingpin and breadwinner has always made me swoon. (Not to be misread as BDSM masters, which I have no interest in whatsoever).

Take Aubrey Andelin’s advice in Man of Velvet and Steel:

Women must return to their homes and serve their men. They are thinking too much of what they want to do rather than what they ought to do.

The man who allows his wife to hold the reins is also to blame and has failed in his leadership. He must, if he is a man, overpower her and regain his position as head of the household.

She is dependent on his understanding, his unselfishness, and consideration. She is dependent on his cooperation in reaching her objectives. He holds power over her, over everything she holds near and dear. Every desire of her heart is tied to him and his rule over her. When a woman marries, she puts her faith and trust in her husband. She gives up her freedom and moves into his camp.

Can you say swoon, swoon, and swoon?!

I’m always on the lookout to try new ideas (ie. Alexandra Wentworth’s WASP Cookbook and 25 Chicken Recipes From A Retired Voodoo Master…the latter is less frightening, truth be told). Perusing over a library shelf of cookbooks, I try to mix it up, piling a cheery Good Housekeeping Step-by-Step Cookbook with Sara Moulton’s Sara’s Secrets for weeknight meals, the indispensible White Trash Cooking I & II, and if I really wanted to spoil the masochist Stepford Wife side in me, there’s always Jacques Pepin’s Complete Techniques.

A charming surprise I came across was Barbara C. Jones’s Cooking with 5 Ingredients and Gourmet Cooking with 5 Ingredients: both were are an absolute delight, if in nothing but brevity alone. Now for myself, I’m all for spending long hours in the kitchen barefoot making stuff artichokes and escargot-filled mushrooms with truffles under bay leaves with a touch of bechamel, but for those nights when all working couples (ugh! unthinkable!) return home exhausted with the kids whining for repeated viewings of TransAmerica, a quick homecook meal is still infinitely healthier than any thing fastfood chains can introduce into your body.

So give it a shot. There’s even a quickie chapter on beverages. Make a Pink Fizz (pink sparkling wine with lemonade concentrate and beverage) to go with your cucumber dip, before a Pasta with Basil dinner and sweet potato wedges on the side

D332 Stepford tip: Substitute tofu, soy, and vegetables for all things unhealthy….except the bourbon.

D332 extra cooking tip: Look in old magazines for recipe ideas. I recommend 1955-1957 editions of Ladies Home Journal.

Ira Levin’s original 1972 novella The Stepford Wives was both suspense and witty satire. It told the story of Joanna Eberhart, a semi-professional photographer who moves to a small town in Connecticut away from New York City. Living with her husband and two children, Joanna notices the women of Stepford being staid, cheery homemakers who were obsessed with cleaning and cooking. Their husbands, a group of computer and chemical engineers spent most of their time in the Men’s Association, where women are barred from entering. She befriends Bobbie Markowe, a neighbor who exhibits all the traits opposite to those of the Stepford Wives. Together, they try to drum up a consciousness-raising group for women and bring feminism into Stepford. Along the way, they notice a pattern of change occurring among the wives. After looking into the newspaper archives, Joanna discovers that there once existed a Stepford Women’s Group headed by someone who was now only concerned with daily chores in her kitchen. How did this transition occurred and can Joanna escape the ever tightening grip?

The term Stepford Wives has become a household word in the course of thirty some years since it’s inception. Though no such town exists in Connecticut, the state of mind in the code of a Stepford Wife remains a point of debate between those who celebrate homemaking versus those who feel domestic chores are a patriarchal conspiracy to keep women from entering professional careers.

Though there have been several adaptations of Levin’s book, we shall stick with the original text to create a list on how to become a Stepford Wife.

APPEARANCE:
Be the picture of traditional femininity. Get your hair and nails done and be dressed well all the time, even if it’s going out to the driveway to fetch mail. Remember, you have to achieve robotic perfection. That means all that work and time will be going into appearing in tip top condition and being ultra-neat.

(note: Director Bryan Forbes made the first Stepford Wives movie. Because he insisted on his wife Nanette Newman being cast for a role, and she did not have a slender figure, wardrobe for the movie had to be drastically altered to “hide” her shape. This led to the flowery frocks that people have incorrectly come to associate with the image of the Stepford Wife. The Stepford Wife is a product of the male imagination at it’s most lubricious level. If you are at a loss for references to such imagination, pick up a copy of FHM magazine and multiply that with a Maxim magazine.

1. Always wear your makeup.

2. Always take care of your hair. Not a strand should be out of place.

3. If you are not well-endowed in your torso area, use bra inserts, augmenters, or the chicshaper. Large bosoms featured prominently in Levin’s original story.

4. If you are not thin, wear a girdle.

5. Wear tight, but conservatively-cut clothing to show off your assets. (Remember to wear an apron during housework)

6. Look in the mirror. Imagine yourself as a girl in a television commercial; you should look flawless, at all times. The picture of the Stepford Wife is the picture of a person who is healthy and takes good care of herself.

ACTIVITY:
Now you are ready to start your day. You are a domestic goddess and the home is your domain. Your home away from home is the supermarket. And the only higher power you answer to (and only when you are spoken to) are the men in your lives. That means, in order: your husband, your son, and then other men.

7. Clean clean clean! Everything needs to be spotless. Even if it takes a dozen repeated rubs, scrubs, and buff in the same spot. Clean and clean some more, in every corner of the house.

8. Cook.

9. Shop at the supermarket. Push your cart slowly. All items need to be placed in your shopping cart neatly, methodically, and in an orderly fashion.

MANNERS:
Stepford Wives are the model of etiquette. They are quiet and they speak softly. They use good manners, apologize often, and are perennially cheery. A Stepford Wife smiles as smiling is an act of submissiveness and agreeableness.

10. Practice gracious and polite behavior even when you are alone. Eat with the silverware in place even when you eat alone. Etiquette and proper manners begin at home, when no one is looking.

11. Never raise your voice.

12. Always say “please” and “thank you” for the smallest things, in public and private.

13. Always apologize for the smallest things, in public and private.

14. Do not possess any strong opinions on any subject, unless you are expressing enthusiasm for cleaning products or food ingredients and recipes.

15. Your man is No.1. He is the kingpin in your life. You answer first to him, then to your son, and then other men (and only when you are spoken to).

16. Don’t read, because who has time when you have this much housework to do and so many men to attend to?

I know both sexes have complained about the opposing team not vocalizing enough about what they want. But men, (and I know this is a stereotype) being not proned to over-verbalizing, are really the party that retains its mystery.

Let’s make no mistake about this: Women tend to be more vocal about their wants and needs. To this day, I have never had a guy sit down and say “We really need to have a talk about my needs.”

The internet is a great pressure release. It affords men the ability to come out and complain about what they want, something they are not allowed to do by mainstream society. I see this as a rare opportunity, an opening to learn what goes on in men’s heads. They can whine and nag without being seen as less masculine. Instead, many women get insulted and lash back at the digusting political incorrectness of their gripes. The two are unrelated. If guys are yelling and screaming online repeatedly for something, that tells me, that there’s a level of consensus on what certain men want.

I know if guys (the ones who are vocal, online, and have Maxim subscriptions anyway) are in agreement that they want us to shut up and keep the beers moving, then what’s the harm in giving it a shot? You don’t have to follow it word-for-word. Just know the general design, and, like a fashion show, emulate the direction as a vague blueprint. And if all that doesn’t work, well we can always go back to reciting Catherine MacKinnon’s legal advice and reading aloud the poetry of Emily Dickinson.

1. The Stepford Wives by Ira Levin
“The book that started it all. Connecticut is not a bad place to live. The people are quite cheery. I’ve been to the town Levin wrote this book in, and it’s still quaint and sleepy. This book presents the wives as they should be, dressed in nice, tight, sexy outfits to please their husbands, not the Bryan Forbes original movie that put them in frumpy Victorian clothes.”
2. The Stepford Wives DVD 1975
“Bryan Forbes’s movie based on Levin’s book. Forbes insisted on his wife Nanette Newman being cast in the movie. Because she did not have the figure to wear tight clothing, wardrobe for the film had to be drastically altered to frumpy housefrau getups to suit her. Ladies, we all know what to wear to bring a smile to our men’s faces. Frocks are not one of them.”
3. Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin
“If you want to be a true Stepford Wife and you can’t afford robotic parts, look no further. This book is the bible for every Stepford Wife. Written by a Mormon as a call to arms against Betty Friedan’s Feminine Mystique, it has hypnotic mantras reaching ecstasy on making your man #1. If there was one book on a desert island to keep, for me it is undoubtedly this.”
4. Man of Steel and Velvet: A Guide to Masculine Development by Aubrey Andelin
“A lesser known book written by the husband of Helen Andelin. This book is the male counterpart to the Fascinating Womanhood. It portrays women as helpless, weak, indecisive creatures that need to be taken charge of by strong willful men. Although it is written for men, there are helpful passages that show an aspiring Stepford Wife what a man wants and expects.”
5. Happy Housewives: I Was a Whining, Miserable, Desperate Housewife–But I Finally Snapped Out of It…You Can, Too! by Darla Shine
“Darla Shine gives a roadmap for the overworked working woman to re-discover her inner domestic goddess self. You will find advice all over the internet on excelling and streamlining your domestic chores. But you have it all here in one book.”
6. Essentially Lilly: A Guide to Colorful Entertaining by Lilly Pulitzer
“You can be the most accommodating Stepford Wife but you still won’t earn the title until you do it with a smile. Lily Pulitzer, who believes in social grace and the inviting cheeriness of the good life, gives the Etiquette book a new spin here with recipes, annecdotes, and of course, lots of her trademark preppy pink and green.”
7. The Total Woman by Marabel Morgan
“Marabel Morgan highlights one of the oft overlooked criteria of a Stepford Wife: Explosive, good, high-quality, non-stop SEX on demand. She elaborates on spicing up your sex appeal, making your hubby want to come home at the end of the day, and the importance of a diverse roster that includes role-play. All versions of Stepford Wives (in book and movie) portray them with meteoric ability to satisfy and fortify their men’s sexual prowess.”
8. The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap by Stephanie Coontz
“The idea of the Stepford Wife was ultimately born in 1950s, when men were returning from war, graduated with degrees from the GI bill and they needed jobs. So television and magazines convinced women that giving up the jobs (they were trained and capable of doing during the war), returning to the home, pleasing their husbands, was the right decision. Coontz’s book surveys this phenomenon.”
9. To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife by Caitlin Flanagan
“A writer in the New Yorker magazine, Flanagan reveres the 1950s as pre-feminist times. Some interesting observations and quotations that will assist you in becoming a Stepford Wife. Just remember that Flanagan has a maid in real life, so don’t be surprised when housework seems romanticized here.”
10. The Leave It to Beaver Guide to Life: Wholesome Wisdom from the Cleavers by Jennifer Colella
“A guide from the Beavers of Leave it to Beaver. June Cleaver - almost as much a descriptive noun as the Stepford Wife, can clean house, look after kids, and stand by Ward, all while wearing a New Look all white outfit with a pretty bowtie.”

I absolutely adore this line from Ginia Bellafante’s article in the New York Times on June 1 2004 “Dressing the Post-Feminist Stepford Wife”

That the affluent homemaker’s uniform remains so compelling may have something to do with its undercurrent of eroticism, one that stems from a sense that the woman wearing it is a woman owned. ”Inside that presexual-looking girl in her lime-green twin set is that fully grown woman to whom only her husband has access,” said Eric Mendelsohn, a filmmaker, former costumer and professor of film at Columbia. ”When do these women look like fully realized sexual beings? When they are in private with their husbands.”

It should be noted that in Japanese culture, the presence of a prohibitive barrier only adds to the erotic charge. Many outsiders will view the black disk of censorship (currently pixellated screen) which is placed over the private parts in photographs as am unwelcomed nuisance. Not so for the Japanese.

That which is shielded actually adds to the erotic imagination. This makes sense when you look at the history of kimono design. To cover is to add to the sexual mystery.

In these modern times, when people go to the supermarket in Daisy dukes and a wet-t-shirt, that which is available to the imagination is a rare and precious item.

The garter belt was a logical development of the girdle that many women wore in the early 20th century.  Worn often with the petticoat, it held up stockings while being more comfortable that the tubular girdle.

Even though I continue to have a great disdain for The Rocky Horror Movie to this day (after finally seeing half of it last year), I suppose that’s the image many would associate a garter belt with.  Happily risking being called cliche and trite in my circles, I have to confess that the garter belt ranks as my #1 favorite piece of apparel.  I started wearing a garter belt at the tender age of eleven years old.  Since I desperately wanted to wear one, but couldn’t find one small enough (even though I was fairly tall for an 11 yr old), I had to fashion my own out of an inverted bra.

I took a bra and gingerly cut out the center panels.  Then I snipped the shoulder straps in half before sewing hooks to each end.  When I was finally old enough at fifteen, I went and purchased my first white one at the Sears.

I always wore one when I was with my first boyfriend at the age of 22.  He was an older fellow in his mid forties.

It’s difficult to find the right ones these days.  Many have too much frills going on.  The Fredericks of Hollywood and even the Victoria Secret ones are quite gaudy.  Even the La Perla suspender belts don’t quite do it for me.  I look for form, sensible design, and most importantly, monotone color.  One of my favorite brands, Felina, used to make them with a feature that I look for in all garter belts: Silver buckles.  Silver buckles and bows are the only flair I allow myself. When the decorative flourishes become too busy, and there’s multicolored roses, ornate fabrics and prints, I feel it  becomes tacky and boudoir, making fun of vintage times as if it were a fetish.

Wearing a garter belt is not a fetish for me.  Sure, it was worn in the 50’s, an era my heart belongs to.  But more importantly, I adore the high maintenance, the constant monitoring and adjustment of the straps throughout the day. Its lack of practicality combined with its sheer appearance-for-appearance sake is its biggest attraction.  Not only does it provide a pretty decorative frame to the most precious part of this girl’s body, its straps complete a lingerie set that almost appear to bound the body.  The vertical straps down the thighs look like prison bars, trapping everything within it.  And all that discomfort, work, and uselessness for what?  Pleasing men.  Appearing enticing and existing solely for the sake of pleasing a man and keeping him happy.

That’s why ever since I was eleven, I’ve considered wearing a garter belt symbolical of a duty I cherish.

It’s something I can’t say no to.

I do long to return to the idealized 50s. Sure, the dresses were wonderful and I love Christian Dior as much as I do Yves Saint Laurent. Audrey Hepburn is still my favorite actress and she had her best movies near the end of the 50s. Doris Day and Barbara Billingsley is equally music to my ears. And if that isn’t enough, one could always turn on the radio to hear Glenn Gould reintroducing to the general public the music of Bach.

Sure, these were what the arts had to offer, but what about the other side? Well there’s the man, of course.

The happy old days when front doors can be left unlocked, everyone knew each other, and the man was head of the household. Sole breadwinner, leader, decision-maker, and husband all in one. All us girls needed to do was to be pretty as a peach when we admiringly say “yes sir” to the king of our hill, and male protection will be available, orders will be placed for us at restaurants, mason jars brawned open, and of course, let’s not forget the high point of every woman’s day: meeting the man at the door upon his return from a day’s work.

If this 1950’s model of the family unit has not been appropriated and infused with the snarky sarcasm of the 90s or fetishized into garish boudoir erotica, then it has become the prime selling point for that hideous lot of bargain basement salesmen who peddle mail-order brides.

To those who believe that mail order brides are the answer to good homemaking, I say why settle for conditional domestic bliss when deep down, everyone knows the entire act is for a green card or promise of citizenship? That’s not a true union which has been brought together and held together by freewill. Go for the real thing.

I know of and have come across many Stateside girls who still cherish the idealized fifties without the irony.

But how do you tell when you have come across us genuinely old fashioned girls?

We’ll be gushing with admiration and willing when you lead us by our weak, helpless arms!