Posts Tagged ‘Hollywood’

What Planet Did You Come From? : 10 Things I Still Have Not Seen or Read (update: Jan 28, 2010)

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Even though I have been in the U.S. for over 30 years, there are still things in pop culture I have yet to experience. Some I actively resisted, most I simply have no interest in. This is the list that frequently drives my friends to pull their hair out by the roots and wail “Are you on CRACK!?” The truth is, all that time spent on consuming these shows, films, or books, is time away from the other curiosities that attract my attention.

1. The Godfather Movies
No interest. Friends – both non-mafia and mafia-related (who wants ta know?) – have threatened to tie me down and force me to watch at least Part II. The more they clamour, the more I resist. If you can’t withhold an ounce of satisfaction from your friends, what good are friends?

2. E.T.
Never seen it, never will. I think Spielberg’s soppy kitsch is predictable. The facial closeups, the manipulative soundtrack, the tearjerking moments are all geared towards the almighty dollar at the box office. Think I’m too cynical? Watch “Room 666″ a documentary where prominent directors are interviewed on their craft. Godard talked about mechanical innovation, Herzog about his feet. Spielberg sounded like an accountant because he is one.

3. Star Trek
Never seen a single episode, and have no intentions of seeing one. I have seen the scene when Spock strums a guitar and sings, and I thought it was beautiful. But as for the rest of the Star Trek mania, the only character I remember is that old guy from Fantasy Island with a wig.

4. Avatar
I don’t care for any of Hollywood’s new gimmicks. Because they are battling against home DVD viewing, plot, acting, and craft have all been replaced by VOLUME, dazzling CGI graphic WOW!, and more VOLUME. That’s equivalent to someone sending me a meaningless email written in 120 pt font. If you’re saying nothing, shouting it doesn’t make it more meaningful. Zero content multiplied by the largest of numbers still gets you zero content.

5. The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
It was better when it was written 15 years ago by Umberto Eco. It was called Foucault’s Pendulum. Why anyone would want a mediocre remake is beyond me.

6. Any Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter
Aren’t they the same thing? I always get the two mixed up. It seems like porn for the Dungeons and Dragons set.

7. Any Holocaust or Hitler related movies
If I want to learn about the Holocaust, I will go to a museum or to Germany or Poland. I’ll read a book. Just from articles written in the New Yorker in the past twenty years, I have learned more about that moment in time than any movie can hope to provide. (Funny thing is, those articles were about flower-arrangement or absinthe) There’s been so many atrocities committed since the Holocaust, I’m amazed Hollywood never seems to tire of reiterating that one event.

8. Any Broadway play
I have walked past, driven through, ridden under, flew over the Great White Way since the age of ten. I still haven’t seen a single Broadway play. Breaking into song and dance at someone’s deathbed is something reserved for real life. You don’t pay to watch someone else act it out on stage. The closest I’ve ever came to the glittering marquee was an Off Broadway rendition of Shaw’s Major Barbara. The rest were experimental pieces in Glasgow, Edinburgh, and London.

9. Friends
It’s Seinfeld without the bite.

10. Sex in the City
I think Kristin Davis is pretty. I don’t care if people call me prudish, but to the thought of materialistic women going around having casual sex with different men as entertainment is gross and offensive.


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32,501st reposted entry: Hollywood is Out of Ideas: The Prisoner / They Live (update: Oct 20, 2009)

Tuesday, October 20th, 2009

Patrick McGoohan in the original ITC version of The Prisoner

Two happy discoveries over the weekend were immediately followed by two gut-wrenching, soul-aggravating discoveries: Cable TV On Demand is offering for free all 17 episodes of 1967’s The Prisoner 1988’s They Live. For those of my readers who were too young to remember what The Prisoner was about, it’s basically the story of a secret agent who resigns from the British Secret Service. Refusing to give the reasons for his resignation, he is kidnapped to an undisclosed village by the sea and interrogated. One episode after another, McGoohan’s character “No.6″ tries to escape while his captors foils his plans with labyrinthine schemes worthy of Jorge Luis Borges’ games with time. The series was all about defiance and one man’s commitment to hang on to his identity, individuality, and freedom.

Remarkably ahead of his time, McGoohan not only co-created the series, but even wrote and directed several episodes. Cool, collected, and determined, No.6 is perhaps best summed up by No. 2 when he said “he can even make the simple act of putting on a jacket look defiant.” McGoohan was also Albert Broccoli’s first choice to play James Bond in Dr. No. Our man said No.

To this day, The Prisoner remains my most beloved TV Series.

Rowdy Roddy Piper came to chew gum and stop remakes. He’s all out of gum.

John Carpenter’s They Live was a digested version of the Prisoner’s message, presenting us with a pair of sunglasses that can separate the conformist ghouls from regular people. Hilariously, all the ghouls were well-dressed yuppies….this was the mid 80s. And the fight scene between the protagonist “buddies” is so epic that even Peter Griffin and Ernie the Chicken will wince at the gnarly index of whup-ass involved. What amazed me was that They Live combined the dialogue between sociologists and feminists of the time, commenting on subliminal ad campaigns and the power of media to influence the way we think and behave. The screenplay actually echoed many of the conceptual art of its time, primarily those of Jenny Holzer and Barbara Kruger, both of the Guerrilla Girls. You would expect something like that from Kieslowski or Bunuel, but not from the dude who brought you Big Trouble In Little China.

And now, the bad news.

The Prisoner is already remade and will air November 09 on AMC.

The rights to They Live are being negotiated and will be remade shortly thereafter.

Did you know there are youtube guitar nerds who criticize famous guitar players, mocking signature riffs by fluidly and effortlessly playing them note-for-note. But what have these youtube gods created? Nothing. All they have done is mock an original piece of work and an original way of phrasing, they haven’t created anything new. You can’t have a better “remake” than an original idea. You can throw in all the CGI effects and even Hollywood’s new secret weapon: Seth Rogan. But however you cut, slice, splice, recolor, and rescript it, it all still boils down to the same thing: You’re working with second hand goods.

This concludes the 32,501st Google Search result for “Hollywood is Out of Ideas”

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