The great golfer has spoken.

Is it even necessary? All the crocodile tears are purely in the interest of sponsorship kickback dollars. The spokespeople who rush to his defense knows he is a big draw in the golfing circuit (even more so now that our celebrity, sensational-thirsty public wants a peek at this notorious sideshow).

But what has happened really? As far as I know, it’s just some dude who got fame, and feels he needs to occasionally take the edge off with 12 ( maybe more) Caucasian women, preferably blondes only. The New England Journal of Medicine has recently shown, in a correlative study about the palliative effects of blondes, that fair-maned white women who have no history of running and swinging golf clubs at the same time, and have not been thrown off Southwest Airlines, may or may not reduce stress by up to 35%. Is that a crime that calls for a public apology? How is it even news what someone does in their private time? Isn’t that what blogs are for?

That modern opiate that replaced religion- daytime talk shows – has given us this inalienable right to love a celebrity we don’t even know, or randomly judge some stranger. I think Tiger Woods should just go up to the podium and announce “gangbang at my pad tonight at 10.”

I am actually more scandalized that Tiger’s speech pre-empted my daily serving of WordGirl and Captain Huggy Face. How dare he!?