Even though I have been in the U.S. for over 30 years, there are still things in pop culture I have yet to experience. Some I actively resisted, most I simply have no interest in. This is the list that frequently drives my friends to pull their hair out by the roots and wail “Are you on CRACK!?” The truth is, all that time spent on consuming these shows, films, or books, is time away from the other curiosities that attract my attention.
1. The Godfather Movies
No interest. Friends – both non-mafia and mafia-related (who wants ta know?) – have threatened to tie me down and force me to watch at least Part II. The more they clamour, the more I resist. If you can’t withhold an ounce of satisfaction from your friends, what good are friends?
2. E.T.
Never seen it, never will. I think Spielberg’s soppy kitsch is predictable. The facial closeups, the manipulative soundtrack, the tearjerking moments are all geared towards the almighty dollar at the box office. Think I’m too cynical? Watch “Room 666″ a documentary where prominent directors are interviewed on their craft. Godard talked about mechanical innovation, Herzog about his feet. Spielberg sounded like an accountant because he is one.
3. Star Trek
Never seen a single episode, and have no intentions of seeing one. I have seen the scene when Spock strums a guitar and sings, and I thought it was beautiful. But as for the rest of the Star Trek mania, the only character I remember is that old guy from Fantasy Island with a wig.
4. Avatar
I don’t care for any of Hollywood’s new gimmicks. Because they are battling against home DVD viewing, plot, acting, and craft have all been replaced by VOLUME, dazzling CGI graphic WOW!, and more VOLUME. That’s equivalent to someone sending me a meaningless email written in 120 pt font. If you’re saying nothing, shouting it doesn’t make it more meaningful. Zero content multiplied by the largest of numbers still gets you zero content.
5. The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
It was better when it was written 15 years ago by Umberto Eco. It was called Foucault’s Pendulum. Why anyone would want a mediocre remake is beyond me.
6. Any Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter
Aren’t they the same thing? I always get the two mixed up. It seems like porn for the Dungeons and Dragons set.
7. Any Holocaust or Hitler related movies
If I want to learn about the Holocaust, I will go to a museum or to Germany or Poland. I’ll read a book. Just from articles written in the New Yorker in the past twenty years, I have learned more about that moment in time than any movie can hope to provide. (Funny thing is, those articles were about flower-arrangement or absinthe) There’s been so many atrocities committed since the Holocaust, I’m amazed Hollywood never seems to tire of reiterating that one event.
8. Any Broadway play
I have walked past, driven through, ridden under, flew over the Great White Way since the age of ten. I still haven’t seen a single Broadway play. Breaking into song and dance at someone’s deathbed is something reserved for real life. You don’t pay to watch someone else act it out on stage. The closest I’ve ever came to the glittering marquee was an Off Broadway rendition of Shaw’s Major Barbara. The rest were experimental pieces in Glasgow, Edinburgh, and London.
9. Friends
It’s Seinfeld without the bite.
10. Sex in the City
I think Kristin Davis is pretty. I don’t care if people call me prudish, but to the thought of materialistic women going around having casual sex with different men as entertainment is gross and offensive.
