Index finger shorter than ring finger = dude

Index finger longer than ring finger = chick

Ever wondered why that girlfriend of yours shows off her “Taco Bell flamethrower” at the family reunion barbecue and remains dry-eyed throughout “Steel Magnolias?” If porn is any indication of the state of lovemaking these days, guys could very well go for years without having seen the front of their galpal. So here’s a handy test to check and make sure you have the genuine product. After all, you want to make sure the person you decide to hook up with for the rest of your life can and will win all arguments against you using a brand of perverse logic that will make Socrates sit up and go “Dude, WTF?” You want to be rest assured that if anything should go wrong, she’ll get half of everything you own and spare no quarter at getting it. Somebody has to look after the cold pizza in the ‘fridge.

You don’t want to be playing jammies Twister one night and it accidentally slips in. What happens if you discover prostrate massages are cooler than the latest X-box 360? There’s no turning back.

All my friends – with the exception of one dear friend – are straight. Oftentimes, we will be sitting around watching a movie or a tv commercial when the phrase “She’s a dude!” would ejaculate from their mouths. I am usually tempted to raise my hand and say “Hi, excuse me, I’m sitting right here?” But then I look at the people who’ve had these pronouncements blasted at. Stephanie March from Law and Order SVU (whom I confess the first time I saw her thought to myself “uh…did Macaulay Culkin put on a wig and embark on a new career?”), Jennifer Garner, Hilary Swank…(and insert 90% of the supermodels here). I am never sure whether I should be insulted or pleasantly charmed. On one hand I am “thrown” into the category with all the women I consider beautiful regardless of my trans state. On the other, we’re not talking about Steven Tyler here; if THESE girls “look like dudes,” then that would make me Ernest Borgnine in a flower-print mu-mu.

Stephanie March of Law and Order SVU : I prayed to Jesus she was a dude, because nothing would be sexier than carrying an Anaconda underneath that sexy 2 piece lawyer skirt suit

It does make me wonder how much Roscharch has his hand in this. If you are straight, you would see woman even when there is none. I can’t count the times these same guys go to the supermarket with me and I hear one go “oh sh*t!, I think that’s Megan Fox over there….and you know what? She’s looking right at me. I think she wants me!” And I turn to look but become instantly puzzled: “There’s nothing there but a cucumber that’s fallen in between two whole limes.” To look at an actual woman however – not just any actual women – but beautiful women, and the first thing that comes into your mind is “I see dude.” Well, I won’t say anything, but I’ll definitely think twice when my friends start to comment on my drapes not matching.

Other times, I hear the phrase “she’s a tranny” blurted out as well. I’m not sure what’s worse: “She’s a dude” or “she’s a tranny.” Trannies, I believe are read based on their presentation. Dude is purely physical features. They are both equally insulting. One has bad fashion sense, and the other has features she was born with. Bad fashion sense can reasonably be punished through marathon viewings of Madonna’s entire filmography, but how you come into this world is no fault of yours. Of course, the comment that takes the prize is the one that came from my ex-bf, commenting on a woman who got on a New York subway. “She looks like an ugly woman, or a tranny.” We’ve all hurt someone say that.

So, it’s probably best to be gracious and keep quiet. When she’s not looking, have a peek at her hand. I used this test (also mentioned in an episode of Manswers!) and checked my own mom’s hand the other day.

She’s totally a dude.

No way she’s going near that can of beans from now on!